Perspective about Life - Part 4

Fear of Aging

 

Everyone worries about aging. There is an internal fear about aging. Thirty year old envies 20 year old for what he or she is; fifty year old envies 30 year old for what he or she is and so on. This happens because we don’t live life to the fullest. At any given age, there is an incomplete feeling about the way we have lived our life so far and this is carried forward to the next stage. Thus, there is an unfinished agenda or unfulfilled dream at every stage of our life. Why is this so?

In fact, it is not all about aging but about the MIND. Age is just a projection of MIND. Body is, definitely, aging but not YOU.

It’s like this, a person who doesn’t have even motor cycle envies the person having one, person having a two-wheeler envies  the person having a car and so on. The same way, we don’t accept the aging process fully.

Whenever I hear someone say, “ I have completed my life” ,“ I am done I have no life left” , I always respond to them saying, “LIFE is PRESENT in a 70 year old as much as in a 20 year old. Past and future is always for the mind not for LIFE. You cannot live life from the MIND. The very saying of “I am done” is itself a mind game. Time exists in the MIND not in LIFE.

Nowadays, there are some ads promising to slow the aging process by 10 years and so on. This is absolute madness and exploitation. You don’t need to stop aging. In fact, you can’t stop aging anyway. It’s a wonderful process. In fact, nowadays the aging is faster inside the body. We grow much older inside than on the outside. The youth of today is much more miserable than the older generation.. If you battle against getting older, you will always be unhappy, unsatisfied and frustrated.

Going back to Morie’s, Morrie lost his battle. Someone was now wiping his behind. He faced this with typically brave acceptance. His student asked Morrie how he managed to stay positive through that. “Mitch (his student), it’s funny,” he said. “I’m an independent person, so my inclination was to fight all of this—being helped from the car, having someone else dressing me. I felt a little ashamed, because our culture tells us we should be ashamed if we can’t wipe our own behind”

We always say I wish I were 15 or 20. Why we say that. Let’s listen to Morrie again.

He says “You know what that reflects? Unsatisfied lives. Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven’t found meaning. Because if you’ve found meaning in your life, you don’t want to go back. You want to go forward. You want to see more and do more. You can’t wait until sixty-five.

Philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, “He who has a WHY to live can bear almost ANYHOW.”

To quote an example from my life, Mr.X(for want of privacy I don’t want to mention the name) is my friend. He had a very good education and hence went abroad to make a living. He struggled to establish his career right from day one. Gradually, he progressed in his professional life but one fine day he decided to leave the country and come back to settle down in a small town in India. When he left the job he was earning almost 2 to 3 lacs per month (INR). He resigned!!! For WHAT?? Let me unfold the events behind that decision.

His son is autistic (Autism is a disorder of neural development characterized by impaired social interaction and communication, and by restricted and repetitive behavior).  His family lived in India while he was abroad. His son needed the family attention the most. As per the doctor’s advice, such a child needs 24x7 attention from the family members especially from the parents.For that, he had to take him to several therapy sessions daily.

The son was so attached to his father that I can’t express in words. He resolved to see that his son at least take care of his essentials and not be dependent on others in the future.  To be with his son, he quit his high profile job, and  set up a small business in that small town.  He now earned one tenth of what he was earning when he left that job.  He said  whatever his son cannot enjoy, he didn’t   want that in his life.  What else I can say about his life.

 I need to quote what Friedrich said once again, “He who has a WHY to live can bear almost ANYHOW.”

I also pray every day for the betterment of his life (read as “his son’s life). Certainly, he will be most content person when his son  asks for food by himself, asks for things which he has never expressed, asks for a joy ride, asks for everything which he has missed in his early part of life. He will never repent what he is doing now, because he has found meaning in life.

Unfortunately, no one can give what are those “whys” and you need to discover on your own. Existentially, you need to understand and cherish your journey called “LIFE”. Life is beautiful. 

We can’t give the purpose of life in theory.  But to put it simply, we can say LIFE is to LIVE. If we accept this as a definition then LIFE is just a flow like the river flows. You can’t step in to the same river again. But, we live in the PAST. That is the fundamental trouble. The PAST always gives you unfulfillment, FUTURE gives you false hope but only PRESENT gives you the reality because you will encounter the FUTURE in the PRESENT, only at some other point.

If we don’t bring our attention, focus, everything NOW then we will be perennially dissatisfied with the LIFE. OUR dissatisfaction itself is an indicator that we are being used by MIND.

We are fully capable to deal with NOW and whatever age you may be. That is how the system is designed. We are not capable to deal with the FUTURE. It is just a MIND game. When someone says I will enjoy once I complete my graduation, once I complete my marriage, once I become a father / mother etc., these are MIND games. MIND plays game on YOU.

Follow the following tips to bring your attention to NOW.

Walking:

Whenever you walk please bring you attention or focus on your walk. Enjoy your every step as if you are walking first time.

Eating:

When you eat, focus your attention to the food you eat completely. The smell, taste, temperature etc.,

Sitting:

Just sit, don’t process anything while you are in that state. Focus your attention on the body posture, your weight, your beautiful hands and legs etc.

Meditation:

One of the best methods to bring your attention is MEDITATION. This is not about any religion. All that you need is to sit (whatever may be the posture) and just watch what is going on inside. Just watch your breathing (inhale and exhale). I don’t want to preempt anything more than this. Then it will be mind which will feed your while you meditate. It will be an expectation.

At first, Your mind will wander, thinking about tomorrow’s program, interview, meeting with boss, meeting with tough client or someone who insulted you some time back, your fight with your wife / husband and so on. The mind will start supplying all the information to keep itself alive. You may ask me what you will achieve by doing these seemingly simple activities. Believe me, you will be surprised, amazed to know how many times you  slip into to the past and the future; forgetting entirely what is happening now. That’s the start point of bringing your attention now.

If you can’t do these seemingly simple activities with 100% attention / awareness, you can’t come out of the things which has been going on and on in your mind for many years and live life fully.

To Summarize:

1. Ask frequently what is going on in your MIND right now.
2. Don’t analyze or feel guilty or change the flow of the mind. Just be aware.
3. If you are in doubt, bring your attention to your body. Body gives you the true state of what is happening inside. Body reflects what is going on your mind. Your body cannot be in the Past or Future.  It gives you the true picture of who you are at this moment. It is the doorway to your mind.
4. Bring your attention to your daily activities like taking bath, walking, eating, spending time with kids etc.,
5. Surrender to the Nature which is taking care all the time.
6. Above all do meditate – watching the breath (inhale and exhale). It is a beautiful thing a human being can do.

Enjoy your LIFE in the PRESENT as it is the only thing we have in hand and we are always in the hand of GOD / NATURE / ALMIGHTY.

Perspective about Life - Part 3

Emotions

It is said that it takes a long time to understand human emotions. May be that’s why this long gap after my previous blog. This episode is on one of the important aspects of life - “EMOTIONS”.

The English word emotion is derived from the French word émouvoir. This is based on the Latin emovere, where e- (variant of ex-) means "out" and movere means "move." So emotion is something that we express or bring out what you feel inside.

Let’s continue with our Professor’s experiences. At this stage “Morrie can’t eat most of this food. It’s too hard for him to swallow. He has to eat soft things and liquid drinks now.”

Morrie’s health had deteriorated and small horrors of his illness were growing. He was coughing more than usual, a dry, dusty cough that shook his chest and made his head jerk forward.

Morrie closed his eyes. “What I’m doing now,” he continued, his eyes still closed, “is detaching myself from the experience.”

“Detaching yourself? What does it mean?” his student asked.

Morrie continued “Yes. Detaching myself. And this is important—not just for someone like me, who is dying, but for someone like you, who is perfectly healthy. Learn to detach.” He opened his eyes and exhaled. “You know what the Buddhists say? Don’t cling to things, because everything is impermanent.”

Usually, aren’t we always talking about “experience our life both the good and bad ones”. But how is it possible when we detach ourselves and at the same time experience.

Now, detaching oneself from emotions is actually a challenge for every human being. In fact, it is my experience, that when we fully experience the emotion we transcend or at least we understand better about ourselves. Our emotions are authentic sources to understand ourselves. We don’t detach as Morrie says, we either deny or rather control.

Morrie further stated “Take any emotion – love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I’m going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.”

When we were young, we were very expressive without any inhibitions, But, as we grow we learn lots of don’ts from this life. We suppress our emotions and don’t let it prevail. Let’s take fear for example, either we avoid the situation or encounter the situation with the resistance thinking that the situation is undesirable or unwanted in your life. Hence we lose the opportunity of understanding your true nature. Fear or any emotion is just a façade we need to go beyond the emotion, that is possible only when we embrace the EMOTION fully and get transformed.

Morrie says “when he felt his chest locked in heaving surges or when he wasn’t sure where his next breath would come from. These were horrifying times, he said, and his first emotions were horror, fear, and anxiety. But once he recognized the feel of those emotions, their texture, their moisture, the shiver down the back, the quick flash of heat that crosses your brain—then he was able to say, “Okay. This is fear. Step away from it. Step away.”

We need this in everyday life. How is it possible to be non-attached and at the same time work and produce results.  I have been enquiring about this in my life ever since I started reading Bhaghavat Gita. Let’s try to understand this. It is very interesting. How we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.

Morrie’s approach is exactly the opposite. “Wash yourself with the emotion. It won’t hurt you. It will only help. If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, “All right, it’s just fear, I don’t have to let it control me. I see it for what it is.”

 “By throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, ‘All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.’”

Let me quote another example on Non-attachment or detachment. I am reading a book on KRISHNA – the MAN and HIS Philosophy by OSHO.

Non-attachment or Anasakti in Sankrit is one of the most mis-understood words.

Attachment has two faces, negative and positive. For example, someone is attached to sex and someone else is attached to it opposite – Brahmacharya or celibacy. Negative attachment is as much an attachment as positive attachment. Non-attachment is altogether different and has deeper meaning.

A non-attached mind, according to lord KRISHNA, is one that accepts everything unconditionally. The interesting truth is that if you accept something totally it doesn’t leave a mark, a scar on your mind. Your mind remains unscathed and undisturbed.

All our lives are full of past and the past impressions accumulated over a period of time. These impressions and residue were from the past events we encountered in our life. These past experiences are driving our lives and we use these impressions to guide our life and eventually get frustrated.  

Let’s listen to Morrie to end this chapter and its relevance and use of “EMOTIONS” in LIFE.

“I want to die serenely, peacefully.  And this is where detachment comes in. If I die in the middle of a coughing spell (heavy coughing) like I just had, I need to be able to detach from the horror, I need to say, ‘This is my moment.’ I don’t want to leave the world in a state of fright. I want to know what’s happening, accept it, get to a peaceful place, and let go”

EMOTIONS are beautiful and it is the doorway to get inside the REAL YOU and understand YOURSELF. Have a beautiful (emotionful) LIFE.

Perspective about Life - Part 2

Family:

 

One of the greatest things human beings have ever found I would say is FAMILY. When we say family, it is all about relationship. Isn’t?

 Let’s look at what our professor says.

“The fact is, there is no foundation, no secure ground, upon which people may stand today if it isn’t the family. It’s become quite clear to me as I’ve been sick. If you don’t have the support and love and caring and concern that you get from a family, you don’t have much at all. Love is so supremely important. As our great poet Auden said, ‘Love each other or perish.’”

Every word that Morrie has expressed is true. If it isn’t the family, we will be become void. I recently came across some research papers about the trend of youngsters preferring live-in relationships (not sure how many % of people really support this). It also said that they don’t want to have a commitment and do not believe in the institution called marriage for variety of reasons.

Osho says “Family is very possessive. The family is against man, it is against the society. The boundary of the family is your imprisonment.” This is expressed when he is explaining the Tantra experience. (Ref: www.osho.com)

But I have a different view. I draw these points from my 3 decade personal life experience. To me family comprises of three important relationships as follows,

1. Parents
2. Wife
3. Children  

Let’s see them one after the other.

Parents: I had been through a tough time over the past few years to establish myself both professionally and personally. I moved from small, calm city called Trichy (located near Chennai in Tamil Nadu State) to vibrant city, Mumbai to establish my career. Never before that had I even thought that I would be separated from my parents and would stay alone to establish my life. I was not able to settle down in the new city for first few months. No one was available with me to share my feeling instantly. During that difficult period it was my father, who supported me in every step.  Encouraging me every time when I feel low and motivating me when I can’t perform at my best and the list just counts on. I used to talk to him only during the weekends over phone from the public booth. I didn’t have a cell phone at that time. Even today, he lives in the same city, about 1,500 miles away from this city. But I still feel connected. I know he is there for me and he knows I am there for him and that is called feeling connected.

Next comes your life time FRIEND, of course, I am talking about wife. In fact, on the lighter side, it is a very difficult process to get married. Those who are married can understand this. Now, let’s get back to our topic. Having a wife as a friend is a wonderful thing and I cannot overstate it.  Now, people are talking about, even though it is in minority, live in relationship. I am not commenting on this now. At the same time, neither do I recommend this trend.

“Love each other or perish,” Morrie says and it’s so true. Without love, we are birds with broken wings.

Since Morrie was in death bed, counting his days he expressed as follows:

“Say I was divorced, or living alone, or had no children. This disease—what I’m going through—would be so much harder. I’m not sure I could do it. Sure, people would come and visit, friends, associates, but it’s not the same as having someone who will not leave. It’s not the same as having someone whom you know has an eye on you, is watching you the whole time.”

He further adds, “This is part of what a family is about, not just love, but letting others know there’s someone who is watching out for them. It’s what I missed so much when my mother died—what I call your ‘spiritual security’—knowing that your family will be there watching out for you. Nothing else will give you that. Not money. Not fame.”

Next about Children - I was the first person to hold my new born kid. I can’t express this joy in words. It was an ecstatic experience.

I can’t resist quoting what Morrie said about having children here:

“There is no experience like having children. That’s all. There is no substitute for it. You cannot do it with a friend. You cannot do it with a lover. If you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children.”

There is yet another relationship that I consider very important. That’s – Mentor. Though mentor may not be a family member, I consider this relationship very important. You have to be very lucky to encounter a person in your life who will mentor you through. In olden days in India, young bachelors used to stay in Ashram and learn things under the guidance of yogis and rishis. The relationship between them was Guru and Shishya. But, we don’t have such a system now to shape-up and guide our life. Mentors are playing that role to a greater extent, if not fully.

I have come across one such person and hence I have included this relationship here. At times, it may be tough to accept what a mentor says because he challenges your status quo and tells you “what you have been thinking and acting all these years are wrong”. It is moment of truth, at times, for your life.

My mentor is Mr. NC Narayanan, fondly known as NC in the corporate world. He is my company’s MD. In my career path as consultant, he has taken the liberty to shape-up my life, personally guiding me wherever he felt it required. In fact, he was the one who initiated the habit of reading books (particularly self development books) to have a different perspective in life.

Summing-up, I would say that relationships transform your life. It is beautiful flower that you hold. Whether you make it through heartfelt affection or break it through momentary reaction, it will keep spraying its fragrance around enabling you to relish good memories from the past.

Until we meet in the next episode of this serial, sit back and recall the relations that are important to you. Regain lost relationships, relive existing relationships. But, relish them all. Because you are worth for them.

Perspective about Life

I recently read a book titled “Tuesdays with Morrie”, a compilation of Prof. Morrie’s experiences in his life.  In this book, Morrie talks about Death, Marriage, Forgiveness, Aging, Fear, Greed, Society etc. to his ex-student called Mitch.

I am sharing with you the first one Death in this blog and will share the rest of the topics in my subsequent blogs. From this book I happened to get a lot of insight on Life, ironically on Death. It’s not a regular book where you have very generic stuffs about life.

What is Life? It is a collection of fleeting moments. Some of these fleeting moments make lasting impressions on us. We carry certain perception on things like Fear, Aging, Family, and of course Death in our life. If we don’t have the right perspective about these aspects, we will ultimately put ourselves into a stressed environment and ultimately loosing clarity in life. I would say that the very life we have is just to have experiences not to accumulate anything and carry the burden. If we have the right perspective, then these experiences are wonderful to recollect and cherish.  

With my thoughts about Life, I will highlight some of the wonderful thoughts of Prof. Morrie.

Before that, if you read the book title once again “Tuesdays with Morrie”, Mitch meets his professor, Morrie, on Tuesdays and gets the wealth of knowledge sharing from him. But, in India, Tuesday is not considered auspicious to begin a new venture, moving to new home or doing anything good for that matter.  Paradoxical isn’t it?

Now, for the chapters:

 Death:

For many of us it is a dreadful thing, something that is undesirable or thing that will happen only to others.

Extracts from the book on DEATH:

 Morrie says, “Everyone knows they’re going to die, but nobody believes it. Yes. But there’s a better approach. To know you’re going to die, and to be prepared for it at any time. That’s better. That way you can actually be more involved in your life while you’re living.”

 “Do what the Buddhists do. Every day, have a little bird on your shoulder that asks, ‘Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?’”

I would say the above questions are really LIFE changing! It changes the entire perspective of LIFE and shakes the very basis on which we live. When we realize that we are going to die, suddenly your very perspective about life changes and you see things differently, respond differently amazing!  You value systems change, you start respecting your relationship with your partner and others. Please try it out!!

If you REALLY want to understand LIFE you NEED to know the DEATH.  If you know you are going to die in a few months from now, how will you want that death to be?  Peaceful with your life’s mission fulfilled?

Morrie says “most of us all walk around as if we’re sleepwalking. We really don’t experience the world fully, because we’re half-asleep, doing things we automatically think we have to do.”

Just to share my personal life examples. Two of my relatives passed away in the past one year - a father and a son. Father fought a long battle with life, rather death, for over a year and he was not able to talk or walk and in short, was dependent on others for everything like a child. Whereas, the son died within few days of brain hemorrhage. Father had enough time and opportunity to revisit his life. I truly believe that he would have thought about at least 1000 occasions where he could have responded differently and created better relationships. Whereas the son did not even know that he was dying. I learnt how I should live my life from their lives. If I have to die instantly, I want my life to be complete! Or even I have lie at the death bed, I should not repent on anything, rather I should be able to completely surrender to the reality.

Such a steady and mature mind sets is possible only when we are complete with all our relationships.

When I speak about, living a complete life, I cannot resist mentioning about the forum, conducted by Landmark Education, in which I recently participated. One of the important things that is stressed upon by the forum head is to Complete with relationships. That’s about Acknowledging or Appreciating or Apologizing as needed to live a free minded life.

See you soon with my next topic that deals with “Family”!